"PAT AND JOEL: BACK FROM WHEREVER THEY WERE (OR ARE THEY?)"

Pat?

Joel?

Oh jiminy, it's been a whole year now and no sign of Pat or Joel. Ever since Plastic Santa.... well, I sort of feel bad for turning tail like I did. Anyone would think I hadn't served in Korea. But that Santy Claus was one mean looking sumbitch. And now...

What am I going to do? Oh lordy, what can I do?

Hey, it's my RDO, get back to me later.

RDO? But it's not Sunday.

I'm Jesus. To me, every day is like Sunday. Like in that S. Patrick Morrissey song, "I'm the Oversized Head of the Cranium" or something.

I am familiar with S. Patrick Morrissey's back catalogue.

Yeah wells we don't talk about him to much at my joint, he's owned by the other side.

Like as in like Satan's team?

No, HBO.

Uh. Well that doesn't solve the problem vis a vis the disappearance of Pat and Joel for over a year.

Oh wait, there they are over there where they quite possibly have been all along.

Right well I feel like quite the ninny - WAAAAIIITTTT!!!

WHAT DID POPPYCOCK SEE?

TO FIND OUT YOU WILL HAVE TO WAIT FOR THE NEXT THRILLING INSTALLMENT OF "PAT AND JOEL: BACK FROM WHEREVER THEY WERE (OR ARE THEY?)" (working title only)

A VERY KRUMPING CHRISTMAS

Hi Pat.

Hi Joel.

Well, here we are at the first and last annual Plastictown Krump-a-thon-

What's Plasticville?

Where we live.

That's a terrible name. How long has it been called that?

Since our founding fathers first set foot in these here parts.

Really? There you go.

Yes. Now today's contestants in this dance battle are: in one corner, Jesus.

Hoy.

And in the other corner (they're not really corners): Poppycock and Peekaboo who didn't have time to come up with a title for their clown group.

We've developed a shortlist of possible names.

Not good enough.

I got a lot on my mind, so I KRUMP KRU-

Woah! A little eager there Jeez. We're not ready to start yet.

Yes, we've had to follow a few guidelines so as to meet the requirements of our public insurance policy. Also there's the sponsors to consider.

To this end, we've brought in our good friend Safetyman to oversee the event. Hi Safetyman.

I too have my secrets.

What's he talking about?

I don't know. I do...not...know...

Anyway, who are you betting on?

Well, I've always favoured Jesus in the nine-yard split.

What the hell does that mean?

Not sure, I think it's from grid iron or badminton or something.

Well I also think that if you google "Jesus in the nine-yard split" ours is the only site that will appear.

This is very true. I wonder how often people will do that.

Can I interject here to say that, in my official capacity as safety officer for the first and last annual Plasticville Krump-a-Thon, I will be sitting behind this desk where it will be uncertain whether or not I am wearing pants.

Maybe we should just get started.

BOOM!

What was that?

It was like BOOM!

BOOM!

Yes, I heard it, and there it goes again!

BOOM!

I'm scared!

I'm mildly perturbed.

I'm ready to KRUMP! KRUMP! KRUMP!

Not so FAST!

Santa!

That's my name! And I'm here to bust your chops JC! I've had enough of people using you to ruin the spirit of Christmas! ROOOAAAARRRR!!!

Oh no! Who will save Christmas?!?!

My bet's on Safetyman.

NEXT: WILL SANTA AND JC SQUARE OFF? WHO WILL WIN? WHO IS SAFETYMAN ANYWAY?

WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?

Hey Pat! Pat!

Wha?


Where have you been? I was getting worried and feeling neglected or disabused by your absence.

Listen Joel: I'm pretty much living life at 160kmph every second of the day. It's just my lifestyle, and if you don't like it you better get off my racetrack cos this baby don't downshift to neutral - ever. Do you get me?


Not really. And now my emotions are even more mixed up.

That's ok. I've been hanging with my pal Jesus. Hey JC!

Yo ssssssssup?


Oh yeah. Hiiiii Jesus.

Hoy.


Hey what happened to your tan Pat?

Well - funny story this - it actually turned out that I wasn't tanned at all but had a life-threatening skin-eating disease.

Ha! You're kidding!

So not kidding right here.

You wanna battle wi me?
Who wanna to battle wi me?
You wanna battle wi me?
Who wanna battle wi me?


Is he ok?

He's ok - he's Jesus.

Hoy!

He's just krumping. He invented krumping and gave it to the people.


Wha?

You know, high velocity freestyle battle dancing.


I feel badly here: you said "you know" as if I would know, but it's patently obvious that I don't know what krumping is. I'm stuck here behind this glass with severe and sometimes debilitating problems the nature of which I can't divulge, and I'm supposed to be up on emergent dance cultures originating halfway across the world? I just feel as if you're using your knowledge to, you know, lord it over me. To make me feel bad.


Yello? You rang?

Krump clown bring it on down
Krump clown bring it on down


Jeepers! Jesus! Battle dancing!

KRUMP CLOWN BRING IT ON DOWN!

KRUMP CLOWN BRING IT ON DOWN!

KRUMP CLOWN BRING IT ON DOWN!

KRUMP CLOWN BRING IT ON DOWN!

Jesus, stop it, he's just a clown!

Nah Pat, he wants to bring it, I'll bring it. You know I've been working on my clown gang and we'll show this krumpin' Jesus why clownin' out will show down his new style moves any day. Peekaboo!

Let's krump!

Pat & Joel Recap #2

Pat and Joel have strong feelings on a variety of topics, feel they are worth sharing. Today, they edge towards forbidden subjects, share a wavelength and find God (or a close family relative).

JOEL: It was New Year's Eve, 1998. I climbed onto the roof and looked out across the night, hearing the faint sounds of backyard parties and resolutions soon to be broken and the dumb roar of a billion stars overhead. I could barely feel my legs below me, so I sat down on the clay tiled roof and thought about things. I thought about what had happened during the year, about the accident, but mostly about the people I'd lost afterwards, the calls that had become more seldom, shorter and more prone to silences at the both ends of the line. I'd never cried as much as I did that year. And I wondered if I'd ever talk about it. And sure, I was still angry, angry at the justice system that couldn't explain the whole deal, at the doctors who said they'd never seen anything like this, and the people who stared at me on the street. Like I was the freak. And that night, as the staggered wave of NYE countdowns began to rise up like doves around me, each a few beats off from one another, I made a solemn vow, a vow which I hold to this day, and which-

PAT: J-Bo! Check it!


JOEL: WOOOAAAAHHH!!! And a golly old HUUUH???

PAT: Who were you talking to?

JOEL: I - what a minute! What happened to you?

PAT: Cool it, gringo! What are you talking about?

JOEL: It's ok, I'm cool now.

PAT: Are you emoting about my new tan?

JOEL: I think I am, I think I am.

PAT: Gotcha. New do to go with it, dig?

JOEL: Gnarly.

PAT: So I heard you talking there, and though I wasn't eavesdropping, I couldn't help but wish you were saying that stuff to me. We go way back, right?

JOEL: Yeah, you hit the nail on the head right there. But frankly, I was talking about the accident and I can't talk about that with you.

PAT: Why ever not?

JOEL: It is forbidden.

POPPYCOCK: Did I hear someone calling me?

PAT: Hell no, Poppycock.

JOEL: PAT! Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

PAT: Sorry Joel. I'll go wash it out with soap.

JOEL: HAHAHAHAAA!!!

PAT: HAHAAHHAAAHAA!!!

POPPYCOCK: Haaaaaaaaa...

JOEL: Pop, I think you have to leave now.

PAT: Thanks. Is he gone?



JOEL: I think so.

PAT: Right. Well, I just wanted to say that I was thinking this, right: when someone tells you that they find something annoying, that's not a cue to do that thing more in an attempt to be 'funny', you with me?

JOEL: I am so on your wavelength that it hurts me.

PAT: I'm hurting too, Joel. We all are.

JOEL: And what say you to this: the immense variety of things we overlook in our day-to-day life are the things which define us to others. Do you agree?

PAT: I don't know that I understand. All I know is that I miss you when you disappear the way you do.

JOEL: There are things you can never understand.

PAT: Word. You seem so full of sadness, sometimes.

POPPYCOCK: Now I know I heard someone calling me!

JOEL: You, Poppycock, you too will die one day.

POPPYCOCK: Jesus!
JESUS: Hoy!

NEXT TIME: POPPYCOCK RECEIVES A VISITOR; PAT GETS OUT OF THE HOUSE.

Pat and Joel Recap #1

Pat and Joel like stuff, and want you to know about it. Today, Pat and Joel discuss nodding, bumping into stuff and related things that they feel real, plasticky emotions about.

PAT: Joel!

JOEL: Jenny! I mean Pat. What's up?

PAT: Oh, I've just been thinking about stuff.

JOEL: Stuff? What kind of stuff have you been thinking about?

PAT: Oh, nothing you'd want to hear about...

JOEL: Are you kidding? Are you pulling my freaky plastic leg? Of course I want to hear about it!

PAT: I know! I was just joking. It's what I do.

JOEL: Sure as heck is!

PAT: OK - what I was thinking about is this: you know how some people nod their heads with such gusto that it becomes like a half-body nod, their entire upper body getting in on the action?

JOEL: I think I do.

PAT: You do. It's like a head nod turned up a few notches. These crazy characters who do this amped-up nod can be annoyingly overenthusiastic, or endearingly unselfconscious. It's up to you how you interpret it.

JOEL: WOAH! Don't leave it up to me! You know I can't handle being put in that position! Especially since the accident!!!

PAT: I thought you told me it wasn't an accident?

JOEL: Yeah..but the damn cops told me to drop my investigations. It's been "officially" ruled an accident.

PAT: Righto. And if it helps, we'll say that the half-body nod is a good thing.

JOEL: Ta. Hey, why don't we work on developing a full-body nod? Sort of a long body roll that starts at the head and travels all the way down to your feet.

PAT: Right on - now I know why you're known around these parts as "the brains of the operation". Also why people forgive your freakish appearance.

JOEL: You know what else I like? People who are always walking into things. That's cute. Unless they're walking into other people, which is creepy.

POPPYCOCK: Did I hear my name?

PAT: SHIVERS, POPPYCOCK! You gave me quite the scare.

JOEL: Not me. I'm cool as.

PAT: You sure are. That's why you're unofficially known around these parts as "Charles Bronson".

JOEL: Really? I never knew that.

PAT: What about people who unknowingly wear items of clothing inside-out?

JOEL: Love it. At least if it's a t-shirt or jumper or something. Pants is a bit wrong. And socks don't really rate either way.

POPPYCOCK: I can wear things inside out.

PAT: That's ok Poppy. Listen, this is kind of a private conversation.

POPPYCOCK: Can I just listen?

PAT: No.

[EXIT POPPYCOCK]

PAT: Why is he always hanging around?

JOEL: Well, since the...accident, he's just been around to help out. You know, when I have my episodes. I don't know where he came from.

PAT: He creeps me out.

JOEL: Not me.

PAT: Yeah, that's probably why you're unofficially known around these parts as "the dude with the creepy clown always hanging around him".

POPPYCOCK: Did I hear my name again?

PAT: Listen, I'm off to the solarium.

WELCOME TO "PAT AND JOEL EMOTE"

PAT AND JOEL ARE PLEASED TO HAVE THEIR OWN WEBPAGE, BUT ALSO FLIPPANT.

AS IS THEIR WONT.

PAT: Hi! Thanks for visiting!

JOEL: Hiya!